This is an interesting article about a family where the mother is in fact the biological XY parent and the father is the XX who delivered their sons. While in traditional nuclear families we often have a mother, father, and their offsprings delivered by the female parent, these roles are reversed in non-opt transgender parents. Here's the story.
The family where mum used to be a dad and dad used to be a mum
Aug 08, 2014 21:00 By Emily Retter
Bianca and Nick Bowser are a transgender couple but still have their original sex organs because they cannot afford reconstructive surgery
When Bianca and Nick Bowser’s young sons get older they will sit them down and drop a bombshell. Bianca, the woman they have always known as their mother, is actually their dad.
And Nick, the man they believe to be their father, is actually the mother who gave birth to them.
You might need to read that paragraph over again. And when Kai, now three, and Pax, almost one, hear it first-hand it will surely be nothing less than mind-blowing.
The facts are these: Bianca, 32, was born as a boy called Jason and Nick, 27, as a girl called Nicole.
They are a transgender couple but still have their original sex organs because they cannot afford reconstructive surgery.
And they insist their kids will be fine because their upbringing will be loving, supportive, secure. And perfectly “normal”.
“The kids currently have no idea. It’s not like strangers ever guess in restaurants or at the shops,” says Bianca.
“I don’t know when we will start to tell them, maybe when Kai is around six, but they will need to be old enough to understand.
“It is important they know because it’s a big secret to keep from your children and if they found out another way they could hold huge resentment.
"But I don’t worry about how they will react. We will not treat it as a ‘bad’ thing. And young kids are accepting and non-judgemental.”
She adds: “ Being transexual doesn’t define who we are, just as being black or white or skinny or fat doesn’t define you either.”
In a perfect world everyone would agree. But Bianca and Nick, who live in the US state of Kentucky, know only too well that many people see their life as abnormal.
They don’t keep it secret but they don’t advertise it either. And they are choosing to talk about it now to raise awareness.
Before the pregnancies, Nick took testosterone to help change his appearance and had surgery to remove his breasts.
Bianca had breast augmentation and laser hair-removal but didn’t need female hormones because she naturally looks and sounds feminine.
As Bianca says, most strangers don’t guess they are not as they appear to be biologically, so they don’t get hassled. But when Nick was pregnant the truth was clear – and the baby bumps prompted aggressive stares and nasty comments from some.
“My pregnancy was not the norm for a lot of people and so they stared,” he says.
“I couldn’t handle the whispering and pointing and by the time of the third trimester I couldn’t leave the house.
"I only left for doctor’s appointments. People are afraid of what they don’t understand.”
It might have been easier for Nick to give up his male clothes and hairstyle for the duration but Bianca says that was never an option.
“He hasn’t worn women’s clothes since high school. Nine months was not going to force him to do it.
"And our friends and family were happy for us – happy to be having grandchildren and nephews.”
For Nick there another struggle to face. Going through the most female of all experiences was a nightmare for him.
He says: “My brain has always told me I was a boy. I decided to carry our sons because we wanted our children to be ours, but being pregnant made me absolutely miserable.
"It was a daily struggle. I hated the way my body was changing. It did not match my inner feelings.”
Unable to bear the thought of natural birth, Nick opted for caesarean. “It cut out part of the very female process of giving birth.”
Bianca didn’t mind missing that part of being woman.
“I was very happy not to carry the children!” she says with a smile. “It was great to get out of it – the inconvenience, the physical changes, the pain of birth.”
Bianca grew up in a religious family in a small town in Georgia and struggled to understand why she felt different from the age of five.
“It’s not that I hated Action Men and played with Barbies, although I didn’t like rough play,” she says.
“But I was always more comfortable with girls and my mannerisms were feminine. Initially I thought I was gay and came out at 17. I didn’t know at that point it was possible to change gender.
“But when I was on the gay scene I met transgender people for the first time. It was like an epiphany.”
She began therapy and wearing women’s clothes full-time. “It was scary,” she says. “It was like going through puberty again, but I never kept it secret.”
Bianca’s family struggled to accept the change, as they had with the original gay announcement, but finally accepted her., although she adds: “It took a while for them to call me Bianca and ‘she’.”
Nick, also from Georgia, assumed he was gay in the same way and he too came out at the age of 17. But deep down he knew there was more to his feelings and he began to dress like a boy.
From a young age I wanted to play like boys, to look like them and especially to dress like them. When I came out being a lesbian I could dress like a guy, have short hair, and date girls but it took me another fours years to learn what being transgender was.”
It was meeting Bianca in the bar where she worked as an entertainer in 2009 that gave him the courage to become a man.
“He was still Nicole but looked very butch and that attracted me,” says Bianca. “A few months later we got together and he spoke to me about making the transition. He started binding his breasts for the first time.
“It was frightening for him worrying about whether family would accept him. That’s still a grey area – but it’s getting better,” she says.
Bianca says that although they dislike still having their biological genitalia, having sex has never been a problem.
“We have the parts so we will use them,” she says. “If we could change them we would, and they would be the other way around – but we cannot afford it and the children come first.”
Bianca does admit that she felt a stab of envy at the bond Nick might be developing with them as their ‘mum’. But Nick says that in fact it was a struggle for him.
He admits: “I had very little emotional attachment to our sons when we found out we were pregnant, whereas from the first ultrasound Bianca was invested.
"For me even the births, having them taken out of me, did not emotionally affect me. It took weeks for me to build an attachment.”
When Kai was born medical staff assumed they were a lesbian couple because they had not told them the exact situation.
But the reaction when Bianca tried to sign her name in the box for “father” was crushing.
“They didn’t believe it until they had seen the paperwork,” she says. “I had to fight and it did upset me.”
But despite the documentation, Bianca has never felt like anything but their mum.
“Nick is their dad. It’s not that I do more maternal things – we share everything as parents – but the kids call me mum and Nick dad.”
The pair, who married in a quiet ceremony in November 2011, say they won’t have any more children. But only because the two they already have are a handful.
“It’s exhausting,” says Bianca, who still works as an entertainer, while Nick is a bar manager. “But we love raising children.
“Having them is what I always wanted. I just didn’t dream I would find anyone to do it with me.”
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